Ruby,
Hey pie! I got good news today, in spite of efforts by the state to get you involved in my case, the judge said I could still write you. It was a good trip all the way around. Grandma Babe and Aunt Kim were there, Andie and his girlfriend Brandi, and Uncle Codie and my buddy, Donnie the dog kisser, lol. I had prayed beforehand and asked God to please let this motion go my way, or at least let me understand His plan a little better, if things didn’t go in my favor. Sometimes, that’s how God works – you pray and pray for something and you don’t get it, but you get something better a little down the line. You don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. Also, remember even when you’re thinking it is taking too long to get what you need, that God is always on his time. If it were up to me, I’d have been home a long time ago, but I’ve realized God had other uses for me first.
I’ve told you in other letters, but I’m sure you haven’t gotten them. I’ve found a relationship with Jesus after almost 3 years in here fighting this case. I’ve been learning to forgive, to treat everyone with love and compassion, to be more righteous in word and action, and to bring glory and honor to the Lord and share His word. I started a fellowship with some of the guys here- we have a daily reading about recovery, co-dependency, and God. I’ve had several people tell me one-on-one that I’ve helped them, or that I helped them believe again. It’s a good feeling that even in this bad situation that God can find a purpose for me to help others.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and I better understand the behaviors I exhibited when I was out there. My identity was not founded on the right things, meaning I let my relationships define who I was; my relationship with your mom, my relationship with my kids, etc. When it was supposed to Jen & Jess, I thought it as Jen and her boyfriend, Jess. It wasn’t Jess and Ruby, it was Ruby and her dad, Jess. I hope you understand the difference. I’ve learned I don’t have to continually suffer for something to matter, I can press emotions in a healthy way. I don’t have to make myself a victim, I can own my circumstances. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and behaviors surrounding it.
Being here this long I’ve seen people leave and come back. Some even multiple times! I had a buddy in here, a real good guy, always participate in group, had big plans if he ever got out. He was given a great opportunity to get out and put his life on the right track after 2.5 years fighting for his life. Within 3 weeks he was doing hard drugs again. I realized then how important it is to have a support network when you get home finally. I started listing the people I knew that I could talk to or hang out with when I felt the urge to use again. I’m sorry to say that list is very short.
I’ve read that recovery is kind of like this: You’re at the edge of a cliff with your other addict friends, on the other side of the canyon are recovered people and Christians and people who want to help you. They’re hollering encouragements until the cows come home, but it’s not helping you get clean. Finally, you come to the bridge of the recovery program, you start to cross it, one step at a time. You get about half way and you realize there is something good there after all. You look back and see your friends still wandering around aimlessly. Obviously, you want to go back and drag them to this new promised land you’ve discovered and that is the fatal flaw most people make. Only bring halfway across that bridge of recovery then going back for any reason is what will cause you to fall back into your old behaviors. You can yell words of encouragement and hope they see the changes and follow, but you have to keep moving across, step by step, until you’re home to the new life of sobriety. Once you’re strong in these new behaviors, you can help others in need.
Somedays, I get sad though. It has been 1237 days since I’ve been here, so 1239 since I’ve gotten to hear your voice and hug you. It is scary because I don’t know yet how long I’ll be gone. I’m certain it won’t be more than 4 more years, hopefully a lot less. One night I dreamed I was driving a pickup truck through Kickapoo and I saw your mom’s vehicle parked. I pulled up and seen her setting on the bench next to her car. I got out and this teenager walked around the truck and looked at me. It was you! You ran up and gave me a big hug and we both cried. I woke up with tears running down both sides of my face. I’m so sorry I missed so much of your childhood and there is still more I’m going to miss. I wish I was home while you’re still young enough to want to listen to a story. I want to read you the “Wrinkle in Time” series. I want to help you learn about Jesus, so you have a good, strong Christian foundation.
The world is lost and getting more and more lost every day. People are confused about who and what they are. If you disagree with the pop-culture narrative, you are a homophobe, a bigot, or a xenophobe. With a Christian upbringing, you would be better equipped to know what’s right in God’s eyes, which doesn’t mean to treat people that are different or confused poorly, but to help you to know who and what God made you.
I’ve realized that the constant connection to media, social or entertainment, is very unhealthy and causes way too much stress or anxiety. I plan on leading a more “disconnected” life when I get home. Even through this stressful experience I’ve managed to find peace, even before I found Christ, I was able to get off my bipolar meds and I swear I feel better, mentally and emotionally, than I have since I graduated college.
I plan on writing these letters every couple of weeks. I hope that even though you may not get to read these right away, eventually you will. I wish I would have copied all the other letters I had sent you. Throughout this journey I’m sure you’ll see some more growth and learn some things about me and about this process. I don’t know what all to anticipate, definitely more about Jesus, maybe making food in prison, things I’m doing to better myself, plans for the future, new people I meet along the way. It is all an open terrain to explore.
The last thing I said to you a couple of nights before I was arrested was “People are going to keep us apart, but know that whenever you look a the moon, I’ll be looking at the same one thinking of you.” I love you pumpkin pie. I’ll be home before you know it.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalms 30:5
Love,
Daddy
Letters to Ruby 